Meditation Journal

As I type this, I’m preparing to go live in thirty minutes while drinking my second cup of coffee for the day. The first cup was at about 2pm in anticipation of my Acoustic Matinee. I’m running on disrupted sleep. My quarantine sleep schedule has drifted so much that the last few days I’ve been waking up at 10 or 11pm, which makes a 3pm show schedule more oppressive than it should be. About twenty minutes after the show, the scaffold of coffee and weed suddenly collapsed, and I became a zombie, eventually conceding that I was useful for nothing but taking a nap. Now I’m waking myself up for the second time.

Sometime in my zombie stupor it occurred to me that if I were still touring, I’d probably be walking to a greyhound bus station in a strange city carrying luggage and a guitar while unable to form full cogent thoughts.

I didn’t rest enough in those days.

People used to get palpably distressed when I described my life. I understand that feeling a bit more now.

The last thing I was doing before I began this entry was mindlessly scrolling facebook while drinking coffee. Or in other words, “wasting time.”

Or in other words, resting.

Rest is important. Supremely important. It’s occurred to me before in meditation that there’s never really a moment in which I’m wasting time, regardless of what my deeply traumatized 12H Saturn (and the deeply traumatizing cishet patricarchial capitalist machine) tries to tell me. When I’m not actively doing the will of Adjua Luna, I’m actively working on myself, which is also the will of Adjua Luna. When I’m doing neither of those, I’m resting, which is working on myself, which is the will of Adjua Luna.

Nothing is ever wasted. Neither effort nor it’s lack.

Maybe I’ll return to this subject later, but I’m going live soon and I have to prepare.

The perpetual black candle on the living room altar burned itself out shortly after I woke up, and I’ve replaced it with a blue candle for the full moon in Cancer.

Right now I’m making more candles out of leftover wax. I melt the wax by heating up the candle holder in a pot full of boiling water. I wrote “self love,” “power,” and “worship” on three bay leaves, and they are boiling in the pot. I thought about adding “money” and “protection” but as of now, I have not. Black candles are already for protection, and I’m still in deliberation with Money about what I want from her. Once I’m done, I’ll dry out the bay leaves and burn them.

So far I’ve made:

five black prayer candles for the living room altar. It’s a multi-step process to make these prayer candles, but today I’ve finished five.
a Jupiter-Saturn candle which is black on the bottom and blue on top. I meant to make such a candle for the Great Conjunction, but that’s already past, so I’ll maybe burn it on New Year’s or some similar occasion.
three tea candle/votive sized black candles because I had some still left over. Not sure what I’ll do with these, but I’m sure I’ll find a use for them. Also, I didn’t really have enough wax for them, so they’re a little lacking. But that might be exactly what I need later.
three love/self-love candles which are pink on the bottom and white vanilla on top. I had intended only to make one, but I had a looooot of wax. I’ll give one to Matt. I don’t know what I’ll do with the third one.

As I’m doing this, I’m thinking about this full moon, which will be at 10:28pm tomorrow (well…today, actually… I need to be less confusing with my naming days, but I’m actually up late, not up early). Astrologers are saying this is the first full moon in Cancer that’s free of negative aspects in Capricorn in about three years, but Pluto is still in Capricorn. It’s not a direct conjunction to this full moon, but it will be within 3 degrees conjunct on my lunar return, which will be on the 31st. I don’t think it will be a negative aspect though. I think it will be important. It might hurt, but it will be long term transformative.

Chani Nicholas’ advice to me in her 2021 horoscope email is “What you are used to sacrificing won’t actually help you get to where you need to go now.” [*] For me, that’s my home, personal comfort, and other Cancer moon things. This is the full moon of remembering what not to sacrifice. I’ve noticed that doing something for the house stresses me out less than doing something for the outside world. In fact, I’ve noticed that I can calm down my anxiety about outside-world-work by stopping and switching to candle making or some other such activity. Sometimes I think I should ignore other work altogether, but that feeling never lasts terribly long.

I’ve decided that I need to find a way to integrate Psalm 139 into my daily life, more than just reading it on facebook live. I read Psalm 91 twice per day; once on live and once in front of my living room altar when I do my offerings. I should similarly have Psalm 139 be a twice daily phenomenon. For one, it would familiarize me with the text enough that I won’t stumble through it anymore. For two, it’s an incredibly powerful and important text, which is why I’m reading it on live. If it’s important enough for live, it’s important enough for another daily reading as well.

Also, this full moon I’m attempting to make herbal moon water and apple scrap vinegar. The former because why the fuck not, and the latter… well for the same reason. But also, I use vinegar in a lot of things. If I’m able to make it out of apple scraps, 1. I’ll save a bit of money buying vinegar and 2. everything made with a witch’s hands increases the magical potency.